“The middle of the road is where the white line is – and that’s the worst place to drive.” Robert Frost Much as it pains me, I have to admit- I AM A BACKSEAT DRIVER. Some who CLAIM to be my friends insist that I am an “ANY SEAT DRIVER” and would likely bellow driving instructions even if locked in the trunk. They are cruel and should learn how to use the ‘brake’ so that I would not have to yell that word out every twenty seconds or so. And I hear no complaints from them when Lady Google (perhaps as part of the government’s depopulation plan) tells the driver to “make a left turn” where there is no road…… I have no patience for shopping and except to volunteer with animal rescue, work mostly from the house and rarely leave. So when I do go foran infrequent drive, I prefer that the car be driven slowly (and in the right lane) so I can view the (often) lovely world outside (and silently read every insignificant sign posted along the road- something only other reading addicts understand). My husband, however, likes to drive in the left lane and pass everything in front of him on the road, using the excuse that he can see what is ahead better if he passes anything in the way. He says this with a straight face. So the other day, when we roadtripped up New York State to visit a friend, the usual arguments ensued and I demanded that he !#?&%! slowdown. He pretended to do that (actually believing that I would not notice the speed had not changed), and then informed me that some beings were jogging along the roadside and they were passing us because we were going so slowly. For the record, I did not see any joggers and I believe that he was lying. This man also cannot drive a straight line (likely the result of his activities in the 60s). He drives along, touching the painted line on one side of the lane and then swerving to touch the other. Since these lines have been finished with “rumble strips”, and make a grinding noise when crossed, he can no longer deny that he does this. I have told him that driving too fast AND making S shapes along the road lanes, will likely get him stopped by the police and, further, I will be called on as their witness. He responds that in this State one spouse cannot be forced to testify against another. I have responded that I will VOLUNTARILY turn State’s Evidence unless he slows down. He finds that very, very funny. I have also warned him that, if frightened enough, my bladder might go into a spasm and I might accidentally urinate in his BMW. He does not find that funny. So I believe that any instructions I give to him as driver are justified and necessary. As for being a back seat driver?? I do NOT apologize….. -KAG 8/2019 |