DRIVEN MAD………..


“The middle of the road is where the white line is – and that’s the worst
place to drive.” Robert Frost

Much as it pains me, I have to admit- I AM A BACKSEAT DRIVER.

Some who CLAIM to be my friends insist that I am an “ANY SEAT DRIVER” and would likely bellow driving instructions even if locked in the trunk.
They are cruel and should learn how to use the ‘brake’ so that I would not
have to yell that word out every twenty seconds or so. And I hear no
complaints from them when Lady Google (perhaps as part of the
government’s depopulation plan) tells the driver to “make a left turn”
where there is no road……

I have no patience for shopping and except to volunteer with animal
rescue, work mostly from the house and rarely leave. So when I do go foran infrequent drive, I prefer that the car be driven slowly (and in the
right lane) so I can view the (often) lovely world outside (and silently
read every insignificant sign posted along the road- something only other
reading addicts understand). My husband, however, likes to drive in the
left lane and pass everything in front of him on the road, using the
excuse that he can see what is ahead better if he passes anything in the
way. He says this with a straight face.

So the other day, when we roadtripped up New York State to visit a
friend, the usual arguments ensued and I demanded that he !#?&%! slowdown. He pretended to do that (actually believing that I would not notice the speed had not changed), and then informed me that some beings
were jogging along the roadside and they were passing us because we
were going so slowly. For the record, I did not see any joggers and I
believe that he was lying.

This man also cannot drive a straight line (likely the result of his
activities in the 60s). He drives along, touching the painted line on one
side of the lane and then swerving to touch the other. Since these lines
have been finished with “rumble strips”, and make a grinding noise when
crossed, he can no longer deny that he does this. I have told him that
driving too fast AND making S shapes along the road lanes, will likely
get him stopped by the police and, further, I will be called on as their
witness. He responds that in this State one spouse cannot be forced to
testify against another. I have responded that I will VOLUNTARILY turn
State’s Evidence unless he slows down. He finds that very, very funny.

I have also warned him that, if frightened enough, my bladder might go
into a spasm and I might accidentally urinate in his BMW. He does not
find that funny.

So I believe that any instructions I give to him as driver are justified and
necessary. As for being a back seat driver?? I do NOT apologize…..

-KAG

8/2019

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